Stephen Sondheim's etiquette tips

From Stephen Sondheim's The Frogs, here are Nathan Lane and Roger Bart with Invocation and Instructions to the Audience:

full lyrics on next page--------------->

Dionysus:
Gods of the theater, smile on us.

Xanthias:
You who sit up there stern in judgment,
Smile on us.

Dionysus:
You who look down on actors...

Both:
And who doesn't?
Bless this yearly festival and smile on us.

Dionysus:
We offer you song and dance.

Xanthias:
We offer you rites and revels.

Both:
We offer you grace and beauty.
Smile on us for this while.

Dionysus:
Gods of the theater, smile on us.

Xanthias:
You who sit out there stern in judgment,
Smile on us.
We offer you song and dance.
We offer you rites and revels.
We offer you gods and heroes.
We offer you jokes and insults,
We offer you paeans and pageants, We offer you
Bacchanals and social comment. Bacchanals and social comment.

Both:
Bless our play and smile.

Dionysus:
Yes, but first, some do's and don'ts. Mostly don'ts.
Please don't cough,
It tends to throw the actors off.
Have some respect for Aristophanes
And please, don't cough.
Don't say "What?"
To every line you think you haven't got.
And if you're in a snit
Because you've missed the plot
(Of which I must admit
There's not an awful lot),
Still, don't say --

Xanthias:
What?

Dionysus:
If you see flaws, please,
Don't drop your jaws, please.
No loud guffaws, please,
When actors enter late.

Xanthias:
When there's a pause, please,
Lots of applause, please.
And we'd appreciate
You turning off your cell phones while we wait...

Dionysus:
Don't go "Oh,"
Each time you see an actor that you know.
And if you have to use the lounge below,
Don't wait until we're halfway through the show,
Especially if you're sitting in the middle of a row.

Xanthias:
No smokes, no chow --

Dionysus:
Unwrap the candy wrappers now.
When we are waxing humorous,
Please don't wane.
The jokes are obscure, but numerous --
We'll explain.

Xanthias:
When we are waxing serious,
Try not to laugh.

Dionysus:
It starts when we get imperious,
And if you're in doubt, don't query us,
We'll signal you when we're serious --

Both:
It's in the second half.

Xanthias:
Do not intrude, please,
When someone's nude, please.
She's there for mood, please,
And mustn't be embraced.

Dionysus:
If we are crude, please,
Don't come unglued, please.
Let's not be too strait-laced --
The author's reputation wasn't based
On taste.

So please, don't fart --
There's very little air and this is art.
And if you feel offended,
Don't lose heart.

Xanthias:
That's what the man intended.
He was smart.

Both:
When everything's up-ended,
We can all depart.
And now...
But first;

Chorus:
We start!

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